I started working on a slideshow for a friend. There was a date I needed to remember and I couldn't recall it. So I pulled out my box of letters; at least that is the best way to describe it.
It's full of letters, cards, wedding announcements, birth announcements, graduation announcements, emails, gift tags, wedding invitations, thank you cards and programs. I found the date I was looking for amongst so much of my past.
Things I had forgotten, things I don't want to remember and things that made me cry are all in one place.
This week had already been introspective with me finishing my first intern rotation. Monday I start a new job. I have been here for a year.
All these things collided tonight. All the things in the box reminds me of everything I've left behind in my life. Some of it I was glad to be rid of and other things I wish I'd never turned my back.
My question for myself is how do you learn to be at peace with it all. I can't fix it but I'm so afraid that I've ruined all my chances. I think I've ruined any chance I ever had of having real love in my life.
I miss so many people right now. I miss my Dzaidziu. I have his Balalika in my room. One small piece of him I have left. But inanimate objects can't keep you company.
I miss Russ. I wrote him an email a while ago and he hasn't responded. I don't even know if he got the message. I don't even know if he's ok. I hope he's happy. I hope he's all right. I hope he's still writing. I wish I had met him in person. I wish I could have looked into his eyes and seen the beautiful person I only knew from text on a computer screen.
I was reading old blog entries. I'm still a broken person. I know why I'm alone right now. I know how I've screwed up all my relationships; especially the last one. I see clearly what I couldn't before and I know the biggest mistake I've made in relationships is that I've always expected that the other person knew what I wanted.
I also know I didn't ask for what I needed. I just expected them to give it to me. I expected that because they loved me they would know what I needed and wanted from them. But I was wrong on two counts. He didn't love me and he didn't know what I wanted or needed.
I simply said good-bye and hoped that he didn't want it to end, that he wanted me in their life, that I had meant something to them. I hoped that it would inspire him to tell me how he felt about me because I didn't know. I wanted words; words I didn't get because I didn't ask for them. But many would argue that the absence of the words in itself was an answer. With the passage of time I know that to be true now.
So the lesson learned from that mistake is to ask for what I want. Never assume the other person knows what you're thinking or what you want. Even though you love them that doesn't make them telepaths.
However, when you're lonely this knowledge isn't much comfort. I know the last one wasn't meant to be and I'm glad actually that it wasn't. But at the same time I can't help but think that in the relationship department I've run out of chances. I think that well has long ago run dry.
I was reminded the other day of a party my friend Tara once had. Tara's uncle showed up at the party and I we sat around the kitchen table talking to him. I don't know what I said to him but at one point he told me I'd make a good wife to someone someday. At the time I took it as a compliment. I'm sure that's how he meant it, but now I wonder if it really was.
I suppose that is neither here nor there, since, I'm not married and I haven't found anyone whom I want to be a wife to. If you asked me I could give you a million reasons why someone would not want to marry me. The thing is, I don't think that is really not what scares me. I think that what really scares me is that I'll never feel that spark again. I don't think that there is an infinite amount of people that you click with in that way and if that's the case I'm sure I've gone through my quota.
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